Like You'll Never See Me Again
by AmbassadorPandora
Summary: Sarek mourns Amanda's death after Nero is gone, and reflects on some of the times they shared. One-shot


_Like You'll Never See Me Again_

_If I had no more time_

I could not believe it. No matter how many times I though about it, I just could not, did not want to bring myself to believe it.

My precious Amanda was gone.

_No more time left to be here_

The woman who I loved, was gone.

The woman who I created a son with, was gone.

The woman who raised our son by my side, was gone.

The one human who could get me to forget the past, the present and the future, was gone.

_Would you cherish what we had?_

_Was it everything that you were looking for?_

I tried not to think about it at the time, but now since Nero was gone... I felt the impact of her not being there.

If I closed my eyes and concentrated I could see the exact moment, I could remember feeling her fear through our bond.

Our bond. I can remember the exact moment she died because of it. The feeling I got when it was gone could have brought some to their knees. I felt weak, I felt hopeless, I felt alone.

_If I couldn't feel your touch_

_And no longer were you with me_

I could still see the fear in her eyes. Her beautiful, beautiful eyes. The eyes our son would carry for her, since she could no longer.

Our son. I knew a small part of him felt guilty for her death and a small (very, very, very small) part of me thought he was guilty. But he was not. I could not judge him in such a manner, after all she was his mother.

_I'd be wishing you were here_

_To be everything that I'd be looking for_

I only wish I had told her many more times then I ever did, how much I loved her. Why I wanted our son to be more Vulcan then Human. How much I loved them both, and how no matter what I would never give them up for anything.

Where they were concerned, I did not choose with logic. But with my heart.

_I don't wanna forget the present is a gift_

_And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me_

_'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed_

Marrying Amanda was something I would be proud of, and happy about for the rest of my life.

I was the most illogical, yet logical, decision I had ever made. And my son, my beloved son was born from it.

_So every time you hold me_

_Hold me like this is the last time_

No matter what happened to me, Spock would be able to carry the image our love was. Carry the very essence of our love for one another.

My mind searched for hers, but could not find it. I had no choice but to excpet the fact that she was gone.

_Every time you kiss me_

_Kiss me like you'll never see me again_

I was afraid. Afraid that in ten or even twenty years I wouldn't be able to remember her. Her smile, her laughter, her frown, her tears. The simple, yet beautiful things that made her the person I had grown to love.

I was proud to see Spock with so many of her traits, although he did not know this, I was still proud. Even the things that are meaningless and illogical, I was proud to see him possess.

_Every time you touch me_

_Touch me like this is the last time_

She had been the one who taught me to love. To truly love someone no matter what their past held, and what your future together might bring. She taught me to love someone, for who they were in that moment.

She told me things that I had never known and was open to any questions or judgments. She was always willing to tell me anything I wished to know, show me things I _wanted _to see.

_Promise that you'll love me_

_Love me like you'll never see me again_

Amanda. My beloved adun'a. She was everything to me, she showed me things I would have never seen. Vulcans did not 'take time to stop and smell the roses' as she said. When I told her this she laughed and shook her head, grabbed my hand and pulled me to the nearest rose bush and said we would not leave until I did.

_Oh Oh Oh _

At first I told her it was illogical and that I would not waste my time on smelling flowers when I could do more productive things. Yet Amanda was always stubborn and demanded that I smell at least one rose then we could leave.

I never could deny her anything.

_How many really know what love is?_

_Millions never will_

I needed her at times like these. Times when my emotions made no sense to me and I needed them explained in simple human terms to help me sort through me. While she wanted me to embrace more emotion, I tried to keep as much as I could from her. Yet at the same time show her how much I loved her.

_Do you know until you lose it_

_That it's everything that we are looking for_

We were both always eager to learn more about each other. She loved to learn about me, she said that she did not care what I told her she just wanted to know.

So at first I only told her things anyone could find out. But after time I began to tell her more and more private things, and she would swear to never tell a soul what I had told her.

_When I wake up in the morning_

_You're beside me_

I could remember one day, where she came to me and smiled. She told me that she had told her family that she loved me and was going to marry me. She said that at first they did not approve but after a while seeing how sad it made her and how determined she was to marry me anyway, they gave in.

I was excited - as she called it - once I heard this and even more egar to marry her. She too was excited and eager, she said she did not care when we got married as long as we did. She said I did not have to marry her if I did not want to.

_I'm so thankful that I found_

_Everything that I been looking for_

It had been shan'hal'lak, love at first sight. The first time I looked into her deep eyes, I felt a strange sensation that she later identified as attraction, intrigue and fascination and among other things, love.

Though Vulcan's usually did not believe in shan'hal'lak, I had the only proof that one could need that it did in fact exist.

_I don't wanna forget the present is a gift_

_And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me_

_'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed_

The best and worst moments of my life was with my k'diwa and my sa-fu. It was because and with them I had my happiest, saddest, best and worst moments of my life.

All the memories I had with the two of them were forver stored in a safe place in my mind. Where I could come back to them, and examine them closely. With fascination and love.

_So everytime you hold me_

_Hold me like this is the last time_

The best moment in my life was when my wife's screams of pain had ended and I got to hold my small uzh-keshtu in my arms for the first time. Seeing the way Amanda looked at him with such adoration and ashau after he had been the one to cause her so much pain.

How she clung to me tightly a few days later as I rocked our son slowly in my arms, and how she nuzzled her face against my chest and whispered prayers for no one in particular to hear.

_Every time you kiss me_

_Kiss me like you'll never see me again_

_(can you do that for me baby)_

The worst moment in my life was watching her fall backwards, to her death. Seeing that look of utter fear in her eyes and on her face. Watching her reach out for her son but not make it.

Seeing my sons look of despair after she was gone, watching him throw James Kirk around the bridge, hitting him again and again and again. Seeing the look on my sa-fu's face when I told him that I did indeed love his mother, the fact that he was shocked at the fact hurt just as much as her death.

_Every time you touch me_

_(see we don't really know)_

_Touch me like this is the last time_

The happiest moment of my life was hearing that my son was a commander in starfleet. How Amanda grabbed me and hugged me tightly saying she knew that he would do great things. Saying all we had to do was believe in him and he would 'go far'.

Hearing that he had programed the hardest test, the unbeatable test. The Kobayashi Maru. I was proud of him, I was happy for him, I loved him and nothing would ever and could ever change that.

_(see everyday we never know)_

_Promise that you'll love me_

_(I want you to promise me)_

The saddest moment in my life was finding out what went on at Spock's school. What the other children tried to do and why they tried to do it. That my son's kan-wak, his childhood, was filled with such senseless , illogical things.

Learning that they considered him 'son of a tratior' and disrespected myself, his mother, and him in such a manner. I was only offended by the fact that the headmaster let them continue their behavior even after Spock had broken a child's nose because of it.

_Love me like you'll never see me again_

_(like you'll never see me again)_

I closed my eyes and meditated on a time where we all were together, where we all were happy. Where our love for one another, thought silent, was still there. Moments that even T'Pau would call joyous, a most illogical. Moments I was proud of. Moments I was happy to be a part of. Moments I would cherish forever.

Goodbye my k'diwa, my adun'a, my Amandakam.

I have always loved you, and always will.

_Oh oh oh oh oh_


End file.
